Outside The Line

So This Texan Billionaire Walks Into A Talent Agent's Office...

I know I really should be focused on the 3rd Test in Delhi, and I should probably be seeking answers to some of the many important questions it has posed -- from "Just how bad is Jason Krejza as a spinner that he can't knock Cam White off the position?" to "Is there a single fielder in this Indian team who knows which end to throw to, let alone how to score a direct hit?" -- but my mind has been distracted by something else.

No, not the American presidential election. (I think they lost me somewhere between the celebrification of "Joe the Plumber" and that of "Tito the Builder".)

No, not the start of the NBA season. (The prospect of the Houston Rockets' Rafer Alston as the primary point guard in my fantasy squad is causing to wake up in shivers.)

No, not the Super Series in Antigua. (A mediocre English squad playing a depleted West Indian squad on a bunch of half-baked pitches is hardly a recipe for fireworks.)

Instead, it's the English media's reaction to the Stanford-WAG controversy, and to the Super Series as a whole. For anyone who hasn't caught up with frenzy, the here's The Surfer rounding-up the week's coverage.

If you only read the coverage, you'd think the Jumbotron at the Antigua ground had shown footage of Allen Stanford blowing a load straight into the Ashes urn and forcing Emily Pryor to drink the contents, as Kevin Pietersen and Giles Clarke watched in the background and burned 50-pound notes just for shits and giggles. (Or something equally Aristocrats-worthy.)

It's like there's a competition to see who can come up with the most alarmist and hyperbolic conceit for their article. I can only imagine what the special weekend editions of the papers will bring us.

Meanwhile, Oceans Away

It may not have been that obvious while the IPL was in full flow, but Outside the Line was also following the action from the rest of the cricket world. (Yes, we don't just ignore everything we don't like, cover our ears, and pretend it doesn't exist. You listening, English blogs?) Here are some random thoughts:

• I can't say I'm ecstatic about another set of interminable, lopsided one-day series, but okay, fine... it's clear that the corporates and the pushers paid they cash in advance and they won't rest until they squeeze every second of available ad time out of their investment. I get it.
     
  But as long as we're just playing out the clock till the FTP is finally over in 2011, why not use the time to experiment a little? Someone has the right idea...

• Congratulations to the English team, by the way, for taking three-and-a-half years and 72 games to realise their best batsman should be batting at no. 3. Well done, guys.

• After having to withstand the likes of Aamer Sohail and Greg Chappell on a daily basis -- and coming close to shoving a lawn dart in my ear a few times just to make them stop -- it's nice to hear proper commentators again, as I found out while checking out some highlights from the Sky telecast of the England v . New Zealand series.
     
  The Sky team have definitely got their flaws, but at least they can get the little things right... you know, like "conjugation" and "subject/verb agreement". You come to miss those after a while.
      
  
• Jumping oceans (and continents), re: the Australia v West Indies Test series, we're now just a few hours away from finding out how badly the Australian empire has crumbled in the year since McWarne retired. The mere fact that the series outcome is still up in the air on the fifth day of the last Test is already an ominous sign .
     
  I haven't had a chance to watch any of the action, but I like what I've read... top-order collapses, dropped catches, opponents brimming with confidence. Very unlike the Evil Empire, and still music to my ears. Even if they eventually come out with another buzz-killing victory, anytime they're forced to mouth the words, "Thank god Simon Katich was at the crease", you know things haven't gone quite as planned.
     
  
• Memo to Dwayne Bravo:
     
  This is it, brother. Your time. You say you're for real? You say you're more than just a fielding allrounder? Well, here's your chance. Prove it.
     
  Champions get centuries, on fifth day pitches, to set fourth-innings chase records. Shiv did it once. Ask him about it sometime. (Maybe as you stroll out to the crease with him?)
     
  Sure, you could keep cruising on those forceful 40s, the 3-wicket hauls, and the killer smile. But we both know you're worth more than that. You're a kinesthetic freak -- anyone who's seen you merely jumping to catch the ball in the field can attest to that. You're practically the reason why super slo-mo was invented.
     
  Time to step it up, D.
  
  

Just Don't Ask Them To Sing H.M.S. Pinafore

                        

I'm not sure why, but I love it when the English team flounders in mediocrity. It's a lot of fun. Whereas other teams, like Pakistan and West Indies, only get more frustrating to watch as they try to rebuild and move forward -- but fail at it and only manage to keep moving sideways -- England somehow gets more entertaining. They're like Sideshow Bob stepping on rakes and moaning, over and over again. The longer they do it, the funnier it gets.

The latest of their cooky mishaps comes due to a recommendation from something called the Schofield Report. (Heard of it? Me neither.) It seems that, after England's drubbing at last year's Ashes, someone decided that the thing to do was to start a commission (or a committee, or a panel, or something equally useless and bureaucratic) to try to investigate why England sucked so badly, and what could be done about it. So the group convened, it discussed, it evaluated, and in the end it concluded that... selectors should now hand in resumes.

It's true. Potential candidates now to have apply for the position. Graham Gooch says he's interested in filling out an application. I wonder, does he need to bring references as well? (All professional, or do they accept personal as well? Maybe Allan Border can write him one -- he can vouch for Gooch's punctuality and professionalism during last summer's beach cricket season.) And, more importantly, is the position available to the public? Are they planning something like the movie Eddie, where Whoopi Goldberg is brought down from the stands in the middle of a game and asked to coach the New York Knicks? Or are they thinking of turning on the cameras and making it into a reality show? First place gets the chairman of selectors job. Second place, a dinner with Karl Pilkington. Third place, a set of steak knives. I'd tune in to watch that, wouldn't you?

I think this might be right time to question the entire point of even having selectors in the first place. Can someone remind me again why every country has to employ three (or more) full-time ex-players to do the job that a captain or a coach could do in about five minutes on a cocktail napkin from a hotel bar? If the middle-aged sad sacks from the selection committees can't fade away gracefully and let go of the game, let them announce domestic games on the radio or something. We live in an era of instant stats, Wikipedia and YouTube. We don't need a Council of Esteemed Elders picking touring squads in conclaves for days like they're about to elect a new fucking pope. Let's move on with the times, shall we?

When Did KP Grow An Exoskeleton?

From cricket's annals of the completely incomprehensible:

(Kevin) Pietersen suffered the break to his right little finger during Sri Lanka's first innings and has not been on the field at all during their second innings. However, as he sustained the blow during the match, he will be able to bat in his usual position because the rules state that it is an "external" injury. Had he pulled a muscle, however, or suffered any other type of internal injury he would have not been able to bat higher than No. 7.

How exactly is a broken bone not an internal injury? What about ligaments -- are they internal or external? Tendons? Soft tissue? How about organs? Say, for example, Kevin Pietersen fractures his penis -- an external organ -- in the middle of a Test match; would he able to bat higher than No. 7 then?
(Mind you, a penile fracture requires the sufferer to have an erection at the time. I know Kumar Sangakkara's batting must be exciting to watch from the slip cordon, but this would just be too much.)

More "Dog Bites Man" Than Vice Versa

It wouldn't be a tour of Sri Lanka without a bomb blasting somewhere in the country -- yet nowhere near the visiting team -- followed by the media making a bigger deal out of it than they probably should. To England's credit, it seems like the team is staying and the tour is set to go ahead. (Much to the player's chagrin, I presume. For a second there they must have thought they would get out of the vicious shellacking they're set to receive from a Sri Lankan team straight off a testing Australian tour. No such luck, boys.)

Contrast this to South Africa's position last year, who decided to pull out of a triangular ODI tournament in the country after a similar blast. I never quite got that one... aren't there about 2,500 homicides in Johannesburg alone every year? You don't see the South Africans boycotting games at the Wanderers, do you? Why should the SSC ground in Colombo be any different?

There's Always The Rugby

Even in victory, England still manage to get themselves screwed over. They won the one-day series against Sri Lanka, securing their first real victory in the subcontinent in 21 years, but since they got thumped in the last game they stay at no. 7 in the ODI world rankings. Had they won the game, they would've jumped to 4th. Heh.

While that did seem a little harsh, I still believe they ended up where they belong. Let's face it, this is really not a very threatening English squad. There's talent, to be sure, but there's talent in Zimbabwe and Kenya as well. Unless a) Andrew Flintoff rewinds the aging process about 2 years and 3 months, b) Kevin Pietersen stops getting bored with the game, and c) Steve Harmison grows a pair, I just can't see this English team going anywhere. Not with that supporting cast. Mustard and Sidebottom? Those sound like suspects in a game of Cluedo, not world-beating international athletes.

(I'm not sure for how much longer English sports fans will continue be in karmic debt for the crimes of their ancestors' rulers, but to a neutral, it sure as hell is funny to watch the endless cycle of hope, heartbreak, and self-pity that is forced upon the country's fanbase. It's not so much that they lose, but how they lose that kills me sometimes. Schadenfreude is a bitch.) 

Was It Supposed To Be An Internal Memo, Or Something?

Actual headline on cricinfo: "Flintoff pins hopes on steroid injection." Now, how exactly is that not illegal?

Flowing Stream of Droppings (pt. 2)

ENG v. SRI LANKA (33rd match)

Here comes the chase:

10th Over
… For anyone who needed proof that Sangakkara is the best keeper in the world at the moment, take a look at Michael Vaughan's dismissal: a catch on the legside while standing up to the stumps to Vaas. …

… So is Michael Vaughan in the team as a specialist captain who can bowl a little? Before today’s duck, his average for the year in ODIs was 17. Oh and should we mention that he's yet to score a one-day century in his career? ...

… Ian Bell is in now, looking like an undergrown version of Vincent from the old "Beauty and the Beast" TV series. ...

… England's chance of victory walks to the crease now at 15 for 2. I'm not sure even they realise how much they rely on Pietersen, now that Flintoff has reverted to his pre-Ashes batting inconsistency. ...

20th Over
… Is it healthy to eat bacon sandwiches twice a day, every day? (Damn, it’s hard to do stream-of-consc when you also have to cook lunch at the same time.) ...

… As far as I can tell from my vantage point by the stove, England are cruising on a wave of KP, as they often do. Pietersen is driving everything on the up, and connecting, while Bell continues to make his living off the legside. …

30th Over
… And Ranjith Fernando finally makes it to the commentary box, halfway through the second innings! Did he think this was a day-night game? At least he's in time for Murali's spell. …

... Jayasuriya just helped Murali's cause immensely with a freaky flick run-out. Now they can take the third Powerplay and have Murali facing a new batsman. ...

… And that's the game: Pietersen c & b Muralitharan 58. Well, not quite the game, but the gamblers definitely concur: as soon as KP got out, the odds from Bet365 turned for Sri Lanka. I guess Flintoff's stock is on the drop. …

… KP is fuming as he walks back to the pav – he looks like he’s about to greet the first person who says a word to him with a punch to the Adam’s apple. ...

… Too many wickets for thought. Flintoff batted like a schoolboy and skyed a half-volley; Collingwood got out to the plumbest lbw I’ve ever seen in my life. Surely this is it for England. ...

40th Over
… "Skyed" can't be a real word, can it? ...

… Now that I've watched Paul Nixon bat for a while, I've realised that he wasn't wearing a mouth-guard as an addition to a helmet, he was wearing it as a replacement for it. I had it all backwards: it’s not that he’s been hit so often that he needs extra protection; he’s been hit so often that he’s quite used to it by now. But hey, if you asked me to name the “international player most likely to have been repeatedly hit on the head by hard flying objects” just based on his mugshot, I’d pick Nixon without hesitation. …

-- [45th Over] --
It's tense as all hell now. I'm not sure why, since neither one of the two batters, Nixon and Bopara, has shown the ability to be a 10+/over boundary-hitter. Nixon is very quick on the reverse-sweep, however, so I'm sure there will be action in all directions.

50th Over
… And they did it!! A thrilla in Antigua. When was the last time we had a match decided on the last ball?!  …

… So is hitting a reverse sweep for six really that great an achievement? Nixon’s looked disconcertingly easy. …

… Why oh why was Fernando given the ball for the last over instead of Vaas? I know he pulled it off in the end, and Vaas had had a forgettable game up to that point, but surely seniority rules apply here. Unless Vaas was offered to bowl and refused, I don’t see why he would be snubbed at the death. …

… D. Fernando, sounding pre-pubescent in his post-match interview with Michael Atherton, expressed his excitement about the win, while at the same time praising the efforts of "Bopara and the other guy [sic]" from England. ...

… The rest of the commentators are running bets to see how many times they can fit the phrase, "this is just what the World Cup needed", into the remaining 10 minutes of coverage. ...

… Kevin Pietersen is still fuming -- it looks like the only thing that can take his mind off the loss is a meaningless one-night stand with a club skank later in the night. …

So Sri Lanka are almost through, while England have to beat Australia in a few days just to have a chance. As Richie would say, "super day of cricket, that".

Time for a bacon sandwich.

Flowing Stream of Droppings (pt. 1)

We were planning to go surfing today, but the prospect of typing some morning-spliff stream-of-consciousness while watching Sri Lanka virtually sealing a semi-final berth was too good to pass up. So here they are, scattered brain droppings in 10-over segments from the England v. Sri Lanka game.

10th Over
… A solid start from Sri Lanka. They're batting on an odd-looking pitch, slightly resembling one of those miniature zen gardens that were all the craze in yuppie circles in the early 1990s. ...

… Jayasuriya got out early, so the Lankans target was duly adjusted from "Any score is possible" to "As close to 280 as we can get." ...

… Mike Atherton just described a bunch of Saj Mahmood's qualities, including his height, his brain, and his athletic ability. The downside? "He's never been particularly accurate." Um, okay. …

20th Over
… Three English commentators and two Indians. Did Ranjith Fernando take the day off to go snorkeling, or something? ...

… Q: Is Monty Panesar actually a bad fielder, or has he just been told he's a bad fielder so often that he gets nervous every time the ball heads in his direction? ...

… I guess Mahmood's "other" qualities are coming to the fore, since he just got the wicket of Sangakkara with a wide full-toss. …

30th Over
… Ian Botham sounds like he's suffering from a case of early-morning indigestion. He's just letting Sanjay Manjrekar state the bleeding obvious and then jumping in every so often to express cranky bewilderment at something England are doing. ...

… Has Paul Nixon been hit in the face so often that he needs a boxing mouth-guard every time he stands up to the stumps? ...

… Upul Tharanga is getting some flak for playing a slow innings lacking impetus. I'll be generous and just call it "Vaughnesque." …

40th Over
… Sri Lanka look completely unperturbed in their batting. They're just taking their innings at a canter; working the singles and two's; nursing Tharanga into form. It doesn't appear as if they rate England's chasing abilities very highly -- a 5-0 mauling can do that to you, I guess. ...

… Do Sri Lankan team shirts only come in two sizes? All you ever see are the tight, chest-hugging Jayasuriya numbers, or the loose, skydiver-in-a-wind-tunnel XL tents that Russel Arnold favors. …

50th Over
… I didn't catch the entire statement, but I heard Mike Atherton say something containing the phrase "England's excellence today". Excellence? Is English cricket in such a fucked-sorry state that allowing the opposition to a par score after putting them in to bat is now considered an "excellent" bowling effort? Good, yes. Commendable, fine. But "excellent"? ...

… Botham and Atherton are in full polish-England's-knob mode now. You'd think England just skittled them out for 120 or something. Am I the only who seems to remember that Sri Lanka have what is probably the best bowling lineup in this tournament (the most explosive pace bowler, the best spinner, the best supporting-spinner, and the most accurate swing bowler)? ...

So 235 it is -- Bet365 has the odds for the chase at 1.66 for England and 2.22 for Sri Lanka. I'm sure Beefy and Athers will agree. Is Ranjith still unavailable for comment?

James and the Giant Gimme

Having followed his career since he came onto the scene in 2003, it's become clear that no player in international cricket bowls better juicy half-volleys than Jimmy Anderson. It's almost a preternatural ability for him, just like the back-of-a-length corridor ball is for McGrath, or the in-swinger into the pads is for Vaas.

Anderson's entire action, from the easy gait of his run-up to the slight hint of predictable away-swing he imparts on the ball, seems designed to deliver those shapely, come-hither dollies outside the off-stump that batsmen love to carve through the covers. Someone should put up a highlight clip on YouTube with all the best fours hit off his bowling... I could watch that for hours.