Outside The Line

When The Going Gets Weird, The Pros Turn Hack

In 1970, Greil Marcus started his review of Bob Dylan's Self-Portrait album for Rolling Stone with a line that has become a classic in the history of rock criticism...

"What is this shit?"

In four simple words, Marcus managed to capture every listener's instant visceral reaction upon first hearing Self-Portrait -- a clear and deliberate Fuck You from Dylan to his entire fanbase, in the form of a double-LP collection of bad pop covers and uninspired, atonal romps -- one which is magnified when the album is placed in its proper historical context, as the follow-up to a stunning half-decade of vital gems like Highway 61 Revisited, Blonde on Blonde, and even The Basement Tapes.

I couldn't help but be reminded of Marcus' sentiment last week, this time upon first reading cricinfo's account, written by Jamie Alter, of the ICC's decision to implement a new referral system.

Seriously... what was this shit?

In bygone days, I might've called it a laughable piece of lily-livered yellow journalism. Today, I'll call it what it is: a truly hacktastic outpour of journalistic sewage delivered directly to my screen. In other words, a piece of shit.

First, there's the headline... this is how it appeared on the front page of cricinfo at the time:

Notice how there's no actual news conveyed by the headline? The real headline is stated in the first subhead: "Referrals to be trialled." All the above head does is express an alleged consequence of the news item itself, and treating it as if it were news. It's a little like basing ongoing news coverage of a nightclub bombing on the headline: "Downtown explosion irritates sleep apnea sufferers in nearby suburb." For this, I won't blame Alter, since headlines are usually editorial decisions.

However, the title of the actual piece was "A leap of faith in technology", which is also the lede sentence in Alter's piece. Later in the first paragraph, we also get our first instance of "the umpire's word is no longer final" statement. It soon becomes clear, from both the tone and content of the piece, how apt those headlines really are given the nature of Alter's words.

"A leap of faith in technology"? Seriously? Could Alter sound any more like a deranged flat-earther? (Be suspicious whenever "technology" is used as a catch-all term to represent anything that isn't human). I've got news for you... cricket is a leap of faith in technology. Bats, balls, pads, helmets, armguards, boxes -- especially boxes -- are massive innovations in technology whose efficacy we take for granted when we step on the pitch.

But there there is no real "real of faith" , since the new technology is being introduced not out of blind faith, but because its results have been analysed, and tested, and they happen to work. It's no more of a leap of faith than expecting the sun to rise from the East tomorrow, or an object to fall to the ground when dropped (whether David Hume is right and inductive reasoning as a whole is unjustified is a different question).

Then there's "the umpire's word if no longer final." This statement is wrapped in such massive layers of bullshit that I could chose at least two different retorts to it: a) I could say: yes it is final, only the definition of "umpire" has changed slightly; or b) I could say: no, it was never final.

The "umpire" is basically a heuristic construct we design to make sure the rules of the game are being followed by all concerned. Nothing more. Its existence is seemingly embodied by the one man in the middle to whom all the players appeal, but it in fact involves a combination of factors working together as joint arbiters and interpretors of the laws.

So, working in tandem, we have the main umpire, the square leg umpire, the third umpire, the cameras and video system that the third umpire uses, the boundary rope, the crease lines, etc. All the new referral system does is add a few extra components to that construct, in order to increase its accuracy (as well to diminish the grounds for dissent... see: Hair fiasco). If it turns out that it doesn't increase it, then it should probably be scrapped and a simpler system should be adopted.

I could go on and on with this, and parse away to my blackening heart's content, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

I'm not sure what Alter's deal is. Maybe he was just having a bad day; maybe his plane was delayed, or he was stuck at customs for 3 hours, or that growing hemorrhoid he's been ignoring for weeks finally popped (or, hey, it could be that he really does in fact reason in such crotchety, reactionary ways)... but that column was a disgrace. And that's one thing cricinfo shouldn't be allowed to get away with these days.

Like it or not, they are now the "paper of record" as far as day-to-day cricket action goes, and they can't afford to treat their cricket coverage like Murdoch's Fox News does its news material... a little bit of infotainment, a handful of vague on-the-hour soundbytes, theatric bits of he said/she said confrontation posing as debate, all delivered in a nice package of firm tits and high cheekbones.

I have no problem at all with the content Alter's opinion. In fact, it's valid and eminently defensible. But this was supposed to be a news report, not an op-ed. As a piece of commentary or polemic, I'd consider it weak but balanced. As news, it's worthless. The mere tone of it and its emphasis already makes me doubt the writer's accuracy from the first paragraph.

If cricinfo wants to go all Gonzo on our ass and deliberately blur the line between reporting and opinion, they're well within their rights to do so. But they can't expect their readers to keep treating them like the Holy Grail of cricket news and the Oracle of objectivity all at once if they continue to do so.

Just A Little Pinprick... There'll Be No More Aaaahhhh!

                                           

It seems that the umbilicals that bind us all to the Matrix continue to expand and multiply, helping to create a lattice-like suprareality where interactions can occur both between forms of communication as well as within them. At the same time, the common divisions that establish our archetypes are being blurred almost in real time, and the privacy we hold so dear in most of our political rationalisations is being shown to be nothing but a mirage. (It won't be long before they come for your thoughts, kid. Shit, they might be there already.)

In other words, Outside the Line has joined Facebook.

I'm not sure why, really. It's not like this site has some old childhood acquaintance sites whom it was trying hard to get away from in adult life, and yet some sister site happen to meet said childhood acquaintance sites on her recent trip back to visit the family, and ended up adding those same acquaintance sites to her Friends list -- which also happens to contain this site -- as a spur-of-the-moment kinda of thing on her last day in town.

No, we just saw a bunch of other bloggers do it, so we copied them.

We should be adding some worthy content in there (youtubes, pics, etc.) in due time, and who knows what else.

So come check it out... absorb, gargle, and spit out its contents, and then spread its message like the very seed of hope. It's the least we can ask of you.


(Tip o' the Hat to Geot, for setting it up, and for all the work to come.)

The Structure Is Set, Ya Never Change It With A Ballot Pull (FINAL Vol.)

Well, what better way to break an unannounced hiatus than by presenting the Final of Outside the Line’s search for the Ultimate Cricket Shot. I know what you're thinking -- Jesus, that thing is still going on?! And I say, hey, we treat our cheap bloggy conceits very seriously here at OTL, and we will ride them to their ultimate resolution, no matter where that may be.

There's a very strong possibility that the last poll was compromised in some way (incidentally -- fuck you, Vizu Poll Widget!). The tally was lower than expected again, and it seems some votes just don't get counted. It beats me as to why that is.

Nevermind that, since the two finalists were far enough ahead of the pack to show a trend, we'll let them move on. After the final, we might rest the poll for a little while. Here were the results for the third heat:

                                                               

Brian Lara's slash had no problems forging ahead (can a slash forge? Or does a slash charge? These are the thing E.B. White never tells you), and gathered votes from all parts of the globe and across every demographic. Well, we assume it did. (Vizu problems, and all that...) 

The second finalist is an old favourite of the site's, and a man who was in the scene for painfully too short a time period. (We can thank our old jokester friend, Emperor Graeme the First for that one.) Nice to see Zulu still dominating all comers, though. Few characters as mythical as his will ever be seen, in any sport.

Michael Vaughan's efforts also deserve credit, but we already have Mark Waugh in the final to represent the cover drive, so we'll try to do without duplicates.

So here we are, at long last, the Final. The options stare at you on the right. How can you deny them? Get votin'.

Who Says OTL Ain't Interactive?

I could say I've been quite busy (which would be true, but mostly irrelevant), or could claim we've experienced technical difficulties (which would also be true, but disingenuous), or just simply admit I'm a lazy prick and I waste too much time (which again be true, but is practically tautological by this point). You take your pick.

Either way, normal coverage will resume next week. (And some big changes are on the way. Watch out for those.)

In the meantime, because it's just that good... a monkey washing a cat.

The Structure Is Set, Ya Never Change It With A Ballot Pull (Vol.8)

This was definitely the 'Ato Boldon heat' of Outside the Line's search for the ultimate cricket shot. Remember how Ato Boldon was near the top of the sprinting world for more than a decade, always competing against the best, always making it to the podium, and yet he never actually won anything?

(From my entire childhood, all I remember vividly about athletics was Bob Beamon's long jump record, Michael Johnson's 19.32 in Atlanta, and Ato Boldon getting either a silver or a bronze. First to Frankie Federicks and Linford Christie, then to Donovan Bailey, then to Maurice Green, then to Tim Montgomery... Ato was always second prettiest at someone else's ball. He's a strange kind of legend -- good enough to remember, but never good enough to be best.)

It seems VVS Laxman will be playing the Ato Boldon role in this competition.

                                                                   

Laxman cruises easily into the final with his gentle clip off the pads, but there's no doubt who was No. 1 here. With half the vote, Sachin Tendulkar's straight drive commandeers ahead decisively, and looks as strong as anyone in the finals (Last week, we had Rahul Dravid's block and Mark Waugh's cover drive moving forward.)

Not much else to cheer beyond the two Indians. Jesus McChesty Matthew Hayden couldn't even a muster a single mercy vote, and goes back to Queensland empty-handed. (I'm sure he could catch a live shark with those bare hands anyway, so he won't remain that way for long.).

Jacques Kallis, however, definitely will not like the disappointing single-figure total for his masterly on-a-length leave. He came into this competition looking to keep his weekly poll average above 15%, yet he's failed to reach it by more than half. A rare lapse in concentration from old Zhaahck.

Last heat this week, and this one should be the tightest one. We need two more finalists. Options, as always, are on the right. Gotta rock the vote, yo.

Feeding The Leech, With Glee

                                           

The Internet is terrible in New Zealand. It is expensive, it is hard to setup, the caps are low, the speeds are laughable, and if you live in a shared house with a pair of computer geeks and a foreign exchanger with an easy schedule, every tiny bit of memory becomes a precious commodity. You don't want to be left with half a month of 16-hour winter nights at compromised dial-up speeds. It's like leaving Jack in a remote hotel to do all work and no play.

So I never watch cricket on the net while I'm here. Not only does it it suck up that precious bandwidth like a leech, the feeds also take an age to find, they're as grainy as Real Player porn from the 1990s, and somehow I'm always missing a plug-in.

Well, this early morning I said fuck all that and, even though my first class of a new semester started in less than 5 hours, I decided to watch live streaming cricket on the net. (Thank you, Crax Tv.)

Why? Because when a sultry Karachi night unveils the new Best Player in the World, you just have to watch. No matter what.

Asia Cup final, 2008.

6 for 13, off 8 overs.

India all out for 173.

Ajantha Mendis...  the world is at your feet.

Guyana's Nadia Doing The Forty-Seven Ronin To Grandmaster Flash

Mike Holmans, from cricinfo's new Different Strokes blog, writes a little paean of sorts to Outside the Line's very own patron saint, Shiv Chanderpaul. Always nice to see the love spread around.

I have to admit, though, I'm a little tired of people referring to his batting style as ugly, or unseemly, or, as Holmans puts it, "a style best appreciated on the radio." (They make it sound like it's the Elaine dance, or something.)

On the contrary, Shiv's every stay at the crease is an extended display of kinetic beauty... it's like a strange and hypnotic kabuki break dance, all knees and elbows and wrists flailing in every direction, in constant motion, with varying speeds, yet always culminating in the most balanced, technically correct position in the textbook.

Seeing Chanderpaul hit a cover drive, with perfect footwork, off the middle for four is like watching a Comaneci landing after a complex 3 minute gymnastics floor routine. You just gasp, do a double-take, and wonder, how the hell did that just happen?   

(If anyone ever was in need of a tight 5-minute super-slo-mo highight reel set to cool music, it's Old Man Shiv.)

The Paradox Of Pakistan Coaching

                                 

In another worthy addition to the Well, duh... Hall of Fame -- you can place it right between "Vladimir Putin having a say in Russian politics even after his 'retirement'" and "Miley Cyrus getting a DUI on Sunset Strip sometime in the 2010s"  -- it seems Geoff Lawson is not the saviour Pakistan cricket has been looking for all this time. (Wow, really, you don't say! Who would've thunk it, huh?)

I'm not sure if Pakistan will lose their game against India and bomb straight out of the Asia Cup. They might eke out a win and get eliminated tomorrow by Sri Lanka. Either way, I'm making the least bold prediction in history and will say that Lawson will not make it through 2008 as coach of Pakistan.

Let's face it, the guy was simply out of his league from the very start. I'm sure he's a nice enough dude, probably a hard worker, but this job is for the big boys. (Hell, the last guy who tried didn't even make it out alive!)

Thanks for coming though, Henry... it was cute for a while. You can go back to commentating Pura Cup matches for ABC radio now. That's more your thing, really.

(The fact that he even tried in the first place was the most shocking thing here. Coaching Pakistan? Why would anyone want to subject themselves to that ordeal? Don't they read the papers? What makes them think they can change anything? I guess the ego can do funny things to people's perception.)

It does bring up a weird incongruity of sorts... and probably the reason why that team is destined to continue in the vicious cycle for years to come. Let's call it The Paradox of Pakistan Coaching:

Anyone who thinks they can change the poisoned culture of Pakistan cricket through their mere presence as coach is probably severely deluded and egomaniacal.

And yet...

Being deluded and egomaniacal makes you the least qualified candidate to coach the Pakistan cricket team in the first place.

How can anyone possibly get out of that logical circle?

The Structure Is Set, Ya Never Change It With A Ballot Pull (Vol.7)

The first heat of Outside the Line's search for the ultimate cricket shot is now over, and we have our first pair of finalists. Here are the results:

                                                                                                              

We didn't prepare seedings beforehand, but if you had asked me who the favourites would've been, I probably would've said Mark Waugh and Rahul Dravid.

I can't say I really expected Dravid to be so utterly dominant, though. I mean, a defensive shot capturing almost half the vote? I think that tells you why Test cricket will never become a mainstream sport -- the joys for the casual fan and those for the geek are just far too different to be reconciled.

It was also surprising to see Pietersen's switch-hit ranking as high as it did... as a shot, it is obviously still in embryonic form and, to my eye at least, looks rather ungainly. Give him another decade or so and a few hundred Twenty20 games to work on it, and things could change. (It must be noted that all the votes KP received came from England.)

Anyway, on to the second heat. Another six classics, another two finalists just waiting for your vote.