Outside The Line

The Beach And Weed Always Help, Though

Some positive, constructive cricket news for once: Jamaica holds the first competitive match in the Caribbean under lights. Hopefully the rest of the islands will follow and they can finally bring West Indies cricket into the new century. ("The 20th century?", I hear you ask? Baby steps, remember.) The lack of lights became a huge problem, among so many others, during the ODI World Cup in March, because it forced that ridiculous early scheduling of all the games. Who wants to watch sport at 9 o'clock in the morning? Following the Cup in Tobago became almost like a full-time job for us, with militant 9-to-5 hours required daily (and no weekends) for more than a month. And Malcolm Speed still wonders why the tournament was a bust?

The Polaroids and homemade tattoos of CWC07

Wow, a damn good cricket blog this turned out to be. It’s as if it was swallowed up whole by the Bermuda triangle sometime before the start of the first World Cup semifinal. In a way, it was. Well, not around Bermuda; somewhere near Jamaica, in fact.

Everything was going fine until Jamaica. We had endured the years of anticipation, the months of grudge work and rationing in order to save up for the event, the hellish 45-hour trans-oceanic plane trip, the procession of spare rooms, apartments, hotel rooms and guesthouses across four islands -- not to mention the disproportionate quantity of truly awful cricket games across the six-week-span of the overlong, idiotically-organised tournament. We’d made it through all that, even managing to write about some of it, and were now staring at The End, straight in the face. The Semis and the Final. The last chance for glory, redemption, and maybe, just maybe, justice in the field.

And then… it all went to shit. Logistical problems, a shortage of funds, technical difficulties too mundane to mention; lost notebooks and forgotten pens; weak wireless signals and bad vibes; take your pick. Kingston was an ominously paradoxical shithole -- a sweltering, overcrowded ghost-town, full of low-grade hustlers and unspoken hostility. We couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. Ocho Rios wasn’t much better, but at least it was small enough to let you keep your bearings. We watched the final there, and after it we didn’t feel much like going anywhere or seeing anything, so we stuck around. To decompress before the return home. We didn’t even care that our guesthouse in Ochi was run by a mentally unstable, middle-aged Canadian woman who seemed capable of going on a midnight rum-and-weed binge any day and torching the whole place down.

I think that period was necessary after enduring that apocalyptic bummer of a World Cup final. That was just horrible – truly, truly awful. It was the worst of all possible worlds: Australia winning in statistically convincing fashion, with Glenn McGrath grabbing Player-of-the-Tournament. The status quo was maintained, the rest of the world hadn’t caught up one iota in four years, and McGrath was bowing out to great fanfare with that smug look on his face. That’s the stuff from the vilest kind of third-world malarial nightmare. It still makes me a little sick just to mention it.

It’s fine, though; the mourning period has now passed, and I am quickly building up the reserves of unwarranted idealism, antagonistic bile, and aesthetic liberalism that are needed to immerse oneself into sport again, let alone write about it. But before that, for the sake completeness if nothing else, the missing posts.

I can probably count on one hand the number of people who care about these, but here they are regardless. Unabridged, unadorned (and in blue): the last blog posts leading up to the World Cup final. They were written at the time but not posted, and have sat untouched on my hard drive since. You can go back and read them chronologically, or you could enjoy it Memento-style, starting with the last post and going back in time. I think I prefer it that way; you can watch as bitterness and resignation slowly and magically transform themselves into hope and anticipation. It's not often that we get to see things that way...

The Final Stream (p.2)

AUSTRALIA v. SRI LANKA, Final (April 28)

Nothing a rum and a quick J can't fix. The asking rate is 7.47 per over. Here's the chase:

8th Over

... So I guess it's all up to Jayasuriya now. His average against Australia does not inspire much confidence: 22.5. It's all about attacking Tait and Watson and cruising diffidently against McGrath. This ain’t the 1990s… this score can be chased. ...

... McGrath comes on to bowl for the last time in his career. To Jayasuriya, who is most likely also batting in his last international innings. ...

... Ricky Ponting really goes all out with those spitballs he hurls onto his hands before fielding, doesn’t he? They’re not scattered droplets of saliva on his fingertips; they’re huge slimey globs he smears all across his palms. ...

16th Over

... McGrath is bowling superbly and there seems to be no way anyone could play him right now. So this is it -- McGrath and Gilchrist doing it for Australia. Again. And if Warne had been here, I’m sure he would have contributed as well. That trio represent the primary reason for Australia’s dominance in the past decade. They are three absolutely unique freaks of nature; the kind of sporting geniuses that usually only come along once or twice per generation. And Australia had THREE of them at the same time. You could surround them with a bunch of under-15 Zimbabwe club players and I bet they would still win more often than not. ...

... Thank god for Watson and his flavourless fast-medium. Between him and Tait, Sri Lanka are staying in this match. They also have Hogg to bash around if needed, so there’s no reason to panic yet. ...

 ... Jayasuriya hit the first mis-timed four of the Sri Lankan innings, over long-on. Make that Australia: 23, Sri Lanka: 1. ...

... Sangakkara has found a streak of form out of nowhere and is creaming the bowling to all parts, doing it with nothing but classical strokeplay. Out of the blue, on the third ball of the 13th over, he suddenly went up the pitch to McGrath and pulled a massive six. He then hit another two dismissive fours to finish the over and is looking as good with the bat as he has all tournament. ...

... Sri Lanka's second fifty of the innings came from 27 balls. They are now ahead of Australia's pace and both batters are looking comfortable at the crease. Did someone say "Wanderers '06 all over again?" ...

24th Over

... And then Sangakkara pulls a fuller ball by Hogg and spoons it straight to Ponting at mid-wicket. The partnership is dead. ...

... J. mentions how Jawardene looks completely in control from the first delivery. He really has become a middle-order monster in recent times, and is proving it during this World Cup. ...

... You are kidding me! Jayasuriya gets bowled by Clarke with a ball that essentially rolled on to the stumps after pitching. Why Sri Lanka are being made to bat on a sticky wicket in 2007, I have no fucking idea. It has been drizzling for quite a while now, and the wicket even looks damp -- a muddy, dark brown colour. But since Sri Lanka are on the wrong side of Duckworth-Lewis, they still have to attack like maniacs, just in case the umpires decide to pull them out of the field sometime. How many more obstacles does Sri Lanka need to face today? ...

31st Over

... It looks like a Rastaman has come out with a sack full of herbal refreshment for the players. Oh no, it's just some sawdust for the bowlers. Any more time you want to waste there, Ponting? ...

... So they come off the field right as the rain starts belting down. Sri Lanka are doomed. ...

36th Over

... Now to add insult to griveous injury, we get Mark Nicholas and Michael Atherton, the two most condescending and arrogant-sounding commentators on the scene, sitting in the commentator's box to finish the game. Please kill me right now. ...

The sight that will define this World Cup: Percy Sonn, the CEO of the ICC, looking like a Banana Republic leader about to be deposed by the military, standing on the makeshift podium, in the dark, as the crowd hisses and booes.

Tony Cozier thanks the groundstaff for "perhaps the best of all" pitches they produced this tournament. Yeah, the Australians would like to thank them immensely.

Jayawardene was asked to talk about the players from his team who will probably not make it to another World Cup. He talked about Jayasuriya, Murali, Vaas, Atapattu, but forgot to mention Russel Arnold. Not even his teammates remember his existence! It's no surprise that Arnold's first-class team is called "the Nondescripts". (That is 100% true, you can check.)

Ricky Ponting accepts the trophy and answers the typical questions. Now that I think about it, I guess he's a smart choice as captain and ambassador for Australia, since his facial features really are quite marsupial. He has the koala-in-the-headlights look mastered. Tourism Australia should give him a call sometime.

The Final Stream (p.1)

AUSTRALIA v. SRI LANKA, Final (April 28)

The match has been cut down to 38 overs, so instead of posting at 10-over intervals, it'll have to be every 8. (Well, three lots of 8 and then two 7s. Does it matter, really?)

8th Over

... As if Australia needed some extra luck, Ricky Ponting has again won the toss, and the Australians will be batting a shortened innings. This is the second consecutive final where they have won the toss (and it might as well be the third, since Wasim Akram basically shot himself in the foot by batting first in bowler-friendly conditions in '99). Uh-oh. ...

... Now that's the Hayden of old: 11 off 27 deliveries. A valuable time-waster at the top of the innings. For a long time, he and Damien Martyn were the only thing that kept Australia's opponents in the game on flat pitches. You actually had to cheer for Australia not losing wickets, if only because it meant Haydos and Damo were keeping the strike rate at around 5, rather than the 6+ that Ponting or Symonds guaranteed. ...

16th Over

... 46 for 0 at the ten over mark. Considering that the pitch looks flatter than Mischa Barton and there is no swing for Vaas to exploit, I'd say that is a great start for Sri Lanka, albeit without an early wicket. ...

... Dilhara Fernando dropped a tough c & b chance off Gilchrist at the start of the 11th over. The next three balls went for four, four, and six. How long before we see the first no-ball? What's the over/under? I say third ball off his next over ...

... Muralitharan has come on and the fate of the Sri Lanka's today could hang on what his first few overs yield. Dilshan is at the other end, trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible so he can steal a few cheap overs before anyone notices that he can be carted for 20 runs in an over without too much effort. ...

... Gilchrist has decided that this is his day, and there's nothing anyone can or could do it about. Not Murali. Not Malinga. Not McGrath, or Bracken, or Warne, or Dennis Lillee, or Keith Miller. ...

24th Over

... Great, Hayden's hitting edges to third man for four now. The eighteenth over, bowled by Fernando, went for 13 runs and not one of those came from anywhere near the middle of the bat. The beach ball is now out in the stands, the Mexican wave is probably not too far off... just another day of unbearable Australian dominance. ...

... Mark Nicholas is just going through all the random factors that have gone against Sri Lanka today:

-- They lost the toss.
-- The game was cut to 38 overs, which helps the Australian big hitters.
-- Although the air was humid, there was absolutely no swing for Vaas.
-- Muralitharan has less overs to bowl and be dangerous.
-- The ball will get less scuffed up for someone like Malinga to exploit the reverse swing. ...

... Gilchrist gets to his hundred with a top-edge for four over the infield in the second Powerplay. Australia have raced to 150 in no time and I doubt they've timed more than 50% of their balls. Hayden has yet to hit the middle of the bat in 50 deliveries and has somehow reached 38. Gilchrist has indeed smashed a few meaty sixes and fours, as he will do whenever he stays at the crease for any extended period of time, but he has mis-timed just as many of his shots. This is beyond ridiculous. ...

31st Over

... So is Gilly going to get a double-century in a World Cup final, off 38 overs?! Is that the plan for today? I can't believe this shit is happening again. Another absurdly flat pitch, another small ground, another toss won by Australia, another ugly pummeling. It's been four years since the massacre at Jo'burg, and look how little things have changed. ...

... So much for consolations: Gilchrist just got out for 149, and now Andrew Symonds (career strike rate: 92.3) comes in to bat. ...

38th Over

... Mark Nicholas must need a change of underwear pretty soon. That pre-cum should be accumulating at a scary rate the way he’s going on about the Australians. ...

... How many edges have gone to the third man boundary now for four? Eight? Ten? Malinga did nothing wrong in his 7th over, and he still got hit for thirteen. ...

… Watson was made to look very, very ordinary by Malinga. He was trying to be cute by paddling the ball around the corner, but was too slow and ungainly and only succeeded in getting himself bowled. ...

... Some amazing death bowling by Malinga and Fernando, given the situation. (78 off the last 10)

I’m a little shell-shocked at the moment, to be honest. Hopefully I can get my bearings back before the chase.

Does David Lewis rate Sri Lanka's chances?

It’s here at last. After that vicious wait, the Final. The two best teams; both in form and both hungry. I have been asking people around here for their predictions, and although the consensus is that Australia will win, most people are at least giving Sri Lanka a chance. Almost everyone wants the Lankans to win, but they’re all so accustomed to Australian domination that they can barely even conceive the possibility of a different outcome.

I think a good case can be made for Sri Lanka's chances of victory in the final, much better than the chances the odds-makers and the general public seem to give them. In order to make the case, I think it would help to appeal to a useful tool commonly employed in metaphysics: the theory of Possible Worlds.

Bullets From The Head (Aus v. RSA)

[Note -- I didn't actually manage to make live notes during either of the Semifinals. I did not have my notebook with me in the stadium for the NZ v Sri Lanka match, and then we overslept by half an hour and missed most of South Africa's collapse the next morning. These are all notes jotted down from memory that second night.]

AUSTRALIA v. SOUTH AFRICA

-- Can Graeme Smith be fired now? Has he done enough already to be stripped of the captaincy? Why is nothing that ever happens to that team his fault? After seeing Jayawardene's incredible mastery of pace in an innings the day before, or Ponting's steady control every time the first wicket falls for Australia, Smith's idiotic lunge down the pitch in the 2nd over seems like a pure abduction of responsibility to me. Being captain isn't just about standing in the infield stroking your chin and looking pensive, or blurting out a few vapid clichés in the third person plural ("yeah, the boys gave it their all...") during the post-match interview. It's about standing up when your team needs you and putting the burden on your own shoulders. It's stating from the outset that you are there to stay. To lead. Like Steve Waugh or Imran Khan did. Like Rahul Dravid and Inzamam-ul-Haq do. Hell, like Trent Johnston does.  

But nothing will change, and Smith will continue as captain. I guess I might as well just accept it and switch to another target, so...

-- ...wow, how dumb and weak-minded did Jacques Kallis turn out to be? I had no idea. For someone with such amazing powers of concentration and discipline in his batting, he sure got dismissed in a way that would make even Marlon Samuels blush. A complete brain-fart that could well tarnish the rest of his career. And all that was needed to instigate it were a couple of lines in a ghostwritten newspaper column by Ricky Ponting a few days before the match. You'd think this was Kallis' debut series, or something.

I always wondered why Kallis was never involved in any captaincy discussions. I'm beginning to understand why. He's probably as dense as mountain air -- a batting idiot savant with a textbook technique and a bulldog build, but completely empty upstairs.

-- I'm still deep in my search of a single non-partisan soul in this entire region that actually enjoys watching Australia dominate. At the quiet suburban guesthouse outside of Kingston where we stayed, we met another nine people who had come for the World Cup: four South Africans, two English guys, an Australian mother and her teenage son, and a lone Kiwi. Not one of them could sit in the shared living room and watch more than 15 overs of the Australian run chase. About halfway through Hayden and Clarke's partnership, we all just gave up altogether and changed it to first leg of the Liverpool v. Chelsea Champions League semi.

I know it's no fun watching any team chase a score of 150, but shouldn't there be a certain awe and pleasure in watching such a powerful sports dynasty dominating its field? Wasn't Muhammad Ali impossible to ignore, even when he was clearly better than his opponent? Or Michael Jordan? Or Roger Federer? I can't bear to sit in front of the TV when Australia is cantering to victory. Watching Matthew Hayden clobber boundaries with mis-timed pulls on his way to 60 not out is like sitting through Detention at school, counting down the Runs To Get like you'd count seconds left on the clock.

Bullets From The Head (NZ v. Sri Lanka)

[Note -- I didn't actually manage to make live notes during either of the Semifinals. I did not have my notebook with me in the stadium for the NZ v Sri Lanka match, and then we overslept by half an hour and missed most of South Africa's collapse the next morning. These are all notes jotted down from memory that second night.]

NEW ZEALAND v. SRI LANKA

-- Best live moment of the day: The Over of Plays and Misses by Ross Taylor, against Malinga. After having the ball beat the bat for the first five deliveries of the 8th over, the entire crowd erupted in cheers when Taylor finally managed to block the ball on the sixth. He even raised his bat to the crowd in acknowledgment, with a look on his face (showing on the big screen) that could do nothing but say, "Yeah... I know. Completely out of my depth. No need to mention it."

-- After having eaten countless overpriced, tasteless meals on various grounds around the world, I can now officially give out the award for the Worst Food To Buy At A Stadium, Ever: spicy peppered prawns. I don't know what motivated me to buy that concoction; maybe the fact that they were a little cheaper than the Escoveitch fish and a little more exotic than the bucket of KFC.

They come in a little plastic bag, which is itself inside a bigger paper bag with a napkin in it; a dozen or so full prawns, smeared in garlic and spicy seasoning. First you have to stick your fingers inside the greasy bag and pull out a prawn by either the head or the antennae. You then take off the head and peel the body, above the plastic bag, and throw the discards into the gap between the plastic and the paper; except sometimes they fall inside the original bag by accident and you have to fish them back out, or sometimes you miss both bags altogether and they land right on your shoe.

But that's if you manage to peel the damn things in the first place. Since the prawns are so old and stale, the shells were soft, sticky, and impossible to remove. The meat was flaky and yellow, the taste was gummy, and the thick black intestinal vein running down the back of the prawn could only give you the creeps if you stared at it for too long.

-- Sabina Park, although full enough to provide a lively atmosphere, was still not packed to capacity. For a World Cup semi-final. That is criminal. Everyone you ask about it will tell you it's all to the Indians ("the Indians" becoming a big catch-all clause for every source of negative spectator behaviour in this World Cup). The taxi driver from the airport in Kingston offered me tickets to the finals, which his cousin purportedly obtained in batches after the first round from a group of bitter Indian supporters.

Is it all the Indians’ fault? If India had gone through to the Super 8s and to the semis, would we have had some full stadiums? I doubt it. It seems like interest for the event was low across the board, and India's (and Pakistan's) early departure only exacerbated the problem. For the lack of original interest, you can blame the ICC and the organising committee. Because I can't think of any other reason why people would have no interest in attending an important international tournament in a place of such beauty and tranquility as the Caribbean.

Who Can Step On The Giant's Shoelaces? (RSA)

SOUTH AFRICA

The Money
Some would be tempted to say Jacques Kallis here, but in one-day games his match-winning potential is virtually offset by his match-destroying history. Having Kallis slow down the momentum of a quick Powerplay start is the last thing South Africa need when playing Australia. I wouldn't be surprised if Ricky Ponting lays off JK a little when he comes to the crease and gives him spread fields to keep him on strike, wasting balls.

Graeme Smith is the perfect man to bludgeon a rapid 80 in a low run-chase, packing his innings with those grotesque elbowy swipes and whack-a-mole inside edges for four, but he doesn't look the player for an unbeaten century under pressure against miserly bowling. Herschelle Gibbs is, well... Herschelle Gibbs. Deliciously easy on the eye, frustratingly gifted, and completely unpredictable. Boucher and Pollock are still out there, after all these years, still pinching those quick 30s and 40s that frustrate the opposition and build momentum for their team.

Ponting 0 [run-out <........>]
Gibbs and De Villiers make for a very sprightly combination inside the circle, mostly useful for run-saving purposes, though they can both be counted on for a blinder of a catch every three or four games. The team's outfielding is organised and professional, but some of those old legs near the boundary can make quick two's and three's an appetising prospect, especially if Makhaya Ntini is left out.

Rattle n' Hum
I'm sure Andre Nel likes to think he can rattle the Aussies -- and the South African brains trust keep trying to convince themselves that he can too -- but with that Bizarro Delivery Stride and lack of true pace, he's really just annoyingly irksome, rather than downright intimidating. Smith can puff his chest as much as he wants and stare in the Australians' direction with a George W. Bush-like "Bring 'em on!" squint, but until he stands on the podium with the trophy in his hands, it's all theatrics as far as anyone is concerned.

Other than those two, the rest of the team is full of old-timers whom the Australians have played and beaten dozens of times before and whose "rattling days" (at least in this rivalry) are definitely over.

Killer-to-Filler Quotient
It's hard to say exactly. South Africa have continued with their long tradition of making up for the lack of variety in their bowling with an extra supply of bits-and-pieces hustlers, like Andrew Hall, and more muscular depth in their lower order batting. Any one of their frontline bowlers can be taken to town on any given day, even Pollock, and their batters show a lack of adaptability when faced with serious bowling threats.

If Ntini is not played, his replacement -- probably Langeveldt -- can be guaranteed to be targeted for at least 80 off his spell by the Aussie top order. (That one you can take to the bank and cash right now, because it will happen.) Ashwell Prince is ideal in the face of a batting collapse, but he proves too conservative during run-a-ball boundary-fests. AB De Villiers is a safe bet for a duck against any team who can bowl straight for longer than two (he has had 4 ducks already during this World Cup).

Mental As Anything
What a difference a day can make. January 23rd, 2006, to be precise. If it hadn't been for the 872-run bonanza at the Wonderers, I would never have given South Africa a chance in hell in an elimination match against Australia. Even so, I doubt many people give them a chance for tomorrow's semi. They were thoroughly outplayed in their group match, they lost comprehensively to Bangladesh in the Super 8, and were half a coat of varnish away from losing 5 wickets in 5 balls against Malinga and the Sri Lankans. Those are not the credentials of a serious, world-beating team.

And yet, there is always that game, that record-breaking game, that series-winning game that no fan can forget, and surely no player in that team wants to either. Who knows if that magic can be re-captured, but the fact that we're even wondering whether it can means it would be foolish to ever discount South Africa completely.

Who Can Step On The Giant's Shoelaces? (Sri Lanka)

SRI LANKA

The Money
Sanath Jayasuriya can never really be removed from this category, and the Caribbean air has had a rejuvenating effect on him, but at this point in his career, he's only realistically good for about one in three -- one big innings for every two dangerous starts. The Jayawardene/Sangakkara combination in the middle order adds up to one true match-winner with the bat; they both have the skill and experience, and the one often makes up the slack when the other isn't firing.

Lasith Malinga is almost beyond words: a complete freak of nature; a finely-tuned yorker-machine; wild, threatening, and a joy to watch. You’d also be a fool to underestimate the effect of Sri Lanka's collection of left-armers, part-timers, and slow-armers choking the life out of your innings with the ball in the mid-overs. They have done it for more than a decade, and are very good at what they do.

Ponting 0 [run-out <........>]
There are no Spidermen in the squad (Dilshan is probably the closest they have, and he has had 4 run-outs in a single game. Against Australia, no less) but they are busy, professional team on the field, and when buoyed by form and confidence, they swarm on to you like noisy, chirping locusts on a muggy, tropical night. They are also the only sub-continental team that takes advantage of the language barrier, hollering at each other in rapid-fire, high-pitched screeches and yelps; as a batsman, you must often feel like a scared explorer rafting through an unknown river, deep in the heart of darkness.

Rattle n' Hum
A history of animosity exists here (take a bow, Mr. Ranatunga), and the constant tendency of resorting to "chucker" sledges means the Australians are still a little shaken by Murali’s genius. Plus, the sight of Jayasuriya bottom-handing his first ball over the covers for 6 is a great way to get the Aussies' pulses rising. However, Sri Lanka have no real in-your-face douchebag (a la Andre Nel, Glenn McGrath, Kevin Pietersen) to sling shit when necessary -- as a whole, they just seem a little too graceful and dignified to include any out-and-out pests in their team.

Killer-to-Filler Quotient
The batting lineup after no. 4 drops off in quality somewhat, but the recent addition of Silva has alloyed the brittle middle order. Their biggest weakness is the lack of a true six-hitter lower down on the card, which means that chasing anything over 300 will depend hudely on Jayasuriya's efforts at the top. Russel Arnold is great for giving a sub-par score some respectability, getting you from 150 to 230 with his inconspicuous dabs for singles and two, but he lacks a little Body Mass to intimidate anyone at the death.

As for the bowlers, Malinga can be as expensive as anyone using a catapult to deliver the cricket ball is bound to be; Maharoof and Fernando can chip in with vital wickets when needed, but their role, in essence, is just to sneak in a few cheap overs early into the proceedings to avoid Murali having to bowl in the Powerplays.

Mental As Anything
Of all the Asian teams, they are by far the most mentally apt. They are a team that knows itself well (both as players and as human beings), they know what they are capable of, and they have been coached effectively on how to maximise their strengths and hide their weaknesses. They rely very heavily on the Talisman Effect (the Jaya's and Murali's of today; the De Silva's and Ranatunga's of the past), but at least they know how to win, and they are the only team to have beaten Australia in either the semi-final or final of a major international tournament in the past 12 years (1996 World Cup final and 2003 Champions Trophy semi-final).

At the same time, it's been a while since they had a major victory away from home, and they don't quite have the armour for a balls-out slogfest, if that's what the game descends into. If they don’t get tangled up by New Zealand beforehand, their fate in the final may well be decided by the curator at Kensington Oval; if he serves up a pitch full of bounce and life, the Lankans could be vulnerable. (Fireworks from Malinga might be their only hope in such a case.)

 

Who Can Step On The Giant's Shoelaces? (NZ)

Is it time to wake up and pour the coffee yet? Are the final stages finally upon us? It has been quite a wait, no one can deny that, but we might finally get to see The Dethronement. After years and years of failed hopes and shattered dreams, we might get to see someone wipe that smug smile off McGrath’s, Ponting’s, Hayden’s, and co.’s face and leave them with an awkward blip on the tail of their record.

It’s obvious that if any of the three teams left want to have a chance to win it all, they will eventually have to get through Australia, so it's important to define their chances based on their ability to hurt Australia. To beat the Dark Force, it usually requires a full effort from the entire squad, with a certain number of necessary components and qualities:

The Money -- As in, "you are so money and you don't even know it!" In other words, The Cream. The match-winners. And we're not setting the bar low for this -- we're talking "century in a final after you team collapses to 50 for 4" or "hat-trick against the run of play" . Only a select few players can raise their game to top levels in a deciding game, and at least one is needed if a team is to have any chance against Australia.

Ponting 0 [run-out <........>] -- Pretty self-explanatory. Who in the team can pluck the Spiderman catch, or induce the direct-hit that can change the complexion of a tight game? Who can end Ponting's innings before it starts?

Rattle n' Hum -- The Australians are used to dominating at all times, both on the field and in the other players' minds. If you can find a way to strike back and get under their skins somehow, rattle them, some of their players can lose focus easily and become vulnerable (see: McGrath, Glenn).

Killer-to-Filler Quotient -- In other words, how many players are there just for padding? They do not present a real threat to anyone; they are just there because there is no one else better in their country, and the rules say you need 11 players taking the field.

Mental As Anything -- Some teams have deep overriding issues hanging over them at all times -- inferiority issues, complex collective mentalities, "Choker" tags. These are often far more dangerous to a team than, say, a weak middle order, or lack of bowling power at the death.

NEW ZEALAND

The Money
After Chris Cairns' lumberjack body one day decided to just collapse into oblivion, this category has really hurt New Zealand. It's not that the talent is missing, it's that the talent has been unavailable 80% of the time. In fact, I'm surprised no one has pointed out the insane streak of good luck that has hit the Kiwis during this World Cup. How often have Bond, Styris and Oram (their three big stats-getter of the tournament) played together in the past 4 years?

Beyond that trio, however, there is not much meat in the lineup. Fleming is a committed, organised but ultimately quite pedestrian batsman. Vettori is treated with respect by most opponents, including the Australians, but it's hard to overlook the fact that, for all his intelligence, accuracy and variations in flight and speed, he's still a spinner who doesn't spin the ball.

Ponting 0 [run-out <........>]
Vincent's early withdrawal created a void in the fielding department. His replacement, Hamish Marshall, is athletic and busy and looks the part, but he hasn't passed 30 with the bat in about a year and a half, so I doubt he'll even get to play. There are some decent, safe catchers in the squad, but no one to stop the singles through his mere presence (a la Jonty, Symonds).

Rattle n' Hum
Fleming seems intellectually capable of rattling small-minded simpletons like Graeme Smith, but I doubt the Aussies will still lose too much sleep over him. New Zealand do have a history of troubling Australia on the field, but "troubling" does not necessarily equate with "beating". Take away the recent 3-0 drubbing, sans Gilchrist and Ponting, in the series prior the World Cup, and I'm sure their record against Australia is equally as poor as any other team's.

Naturally, there is an innate Trans-Tasman antagonism on which to feed here, as well is as collective subconscious acknowledgment -- from both sides -- of that undeniable low-point in the history of sport and competitive ethics, i.e. the Chappell underarm incident. (To this day, I'm amased either of the brothers can even show their faces in public without getting beaten by street mobs. They must be at the very bottom rung of the karmic ladder at the moment, slightly below most parasitic invertebrates.)

Killer-to-Filler Quotient
Wow, you want Filler? Where to start? Try "half the batting line-up". I haven't really followed it as closely as I should have, but the New Zealand top/middle order seems to be a saloon-revolving-door for nondescript, faceless right-handed batters (e.g. How, Cumming, Fulton -- could anyone identify these cats from a police line-up?). The kind of guys whose eventual claim to fame will probably be something like getting Sachin Tendulkar out once, during a 3-day Tour match, with their part-time spin.

Craig McMillan has plenty of experience to draw from, but he has seen too many down periods and has been bounced back and forth without concern for a long time, so it's hard to say what he can contribute on the day. James Franklin is an opening bowler who is in the team for his batting, and Jeetan Patel can at least say he got to a free trip to the Caribbean for his part-time work.

Mental As Anything
Their overall psychological baggage is surprisingly light. For a bottom-feeding little island with no great cricket success in its history, New Zealand seem devoid of any of the deep national scars or pathological big-game yips that some more successful Test countries have. Their problem is, and has always been, simple: they just don't have the depth. Not to go all the way in the tournament.

They're spoilers, the Kiwis -- they can topple more talented teams with grit and discipline and make it to the final stages, but they rarely have enough weapons to carry them through. Not against McGrath and the Ponting Generation. Not this time.

Morality is for Chumps

It would have been a fitting end to Brian Lara's career: achieving a moral victory after a disappointing campaign by pounding on a lacklustre English team in an inconsequential match. It wasn't to be; his team lost after he was run out on 18 by Kevin Pietersen, a man who seems set to enjoy a similar career to Lara's, full of individual accolades masking the collective mediocrity of those around him.

Then again, perhaps the need to search for a moral victory epitomises the Lara years better than anything else.

Puke On A Beard (and other poems by Maya Angelou)

Ever get the feeling that you have vomit caked somewhere on your being, but you don't know where? The hint of the scent is pervasive, yet you've checked all around and you can't find the source. It's not the shirt, or the pants. It's not the shoes. The watch? No, not the watch. Could it be the beard? Oh god, please not the beard!

That's the thought I had in my head yesterday morning, as my plane was getting ready to take off from Barbados to Kingston, Jamaica. I was hoping to write something profound as we set off, something heavy and meditative, maybe about the erosion of local identity in an era of accelerating commercial homogenisation, or about the legacy of former Barbadian legends on West Indies cricket in general, or (in honour of 4/20) about the oft-ignored relationship between weed and cricket.

Instead, all I could think about was puke on my beard. (You can blame that on an early morning flight and the policy of clubs in St. Lawrence's Gap of free drinks after a cover charge. It's hard to stay on top of your liquor when you don't have a shrinking wallet acting as a gauge.)

What the hell does any of this have to do with cricket? Not a lot, really. I wish I could focus my thoughts on matters concerning “the game of love and unity” (is anyone else sick of that corporate little anthem yet?), but it’s becoming hard to stay focused at this point. If too much of a good thing can be bad for you, how about too much of a mediocre thing?

Regarding the West Indies v. Bangladesh game we watched at Kensington Oval a couple of days ago, all I can remember was the intense sun beating down on us for the first innings, and then feeling its effects during the second innings. Both J. and I were taking turns doing the awkward “trying not to fall asleep in your seat, but having your head slowly fall away in random directions and jerking it back up” routine as Bangladeshi wickets tumbled like drunken tourists in 6-inch heels. Apart from that, not a whole lot to say.

How much longer till the semifinals, again?

Silver linings and all that crap

So South Africa are through to the semis, the West Indies and England are out, and we're leaving Tobago today to go to Barbados for the most irrelevant cricket game imaginable (West Indies v. Bangladesh). Remember, this was supposed to be a vital India v. Pakistan clash when the tickets were ordered. Instead, we're now getting a dead-rubber in an empty stadium about a U$30 taxi ride away from our already overpriced hotel.

But... at least I guess it'll be nice to see Lara bat just one more time.

No Capra endings (for Mr. Smith)

What the hell happened to South Africa? The South African team, I mean, in the last five years? How is it that they've gone from Lance Klusener and Jonty Rhodes to Graeme Smith and Andre Nel? When I started getting into the game, South Africa were one of the most inspired, colourful teams on the scene, full of varied characters working in unorthodox combinations. They had Gary Kirsten, wise beyond any man’s years, calmly guiding them from the front; Jonty, the Energizer Bunny of world cricket, always in the action; Neil McKenzie, a delightful cocktail of nervous tics and endearing superstitions; and, of course, Zulu -- the only man in the game whose nickname is chanted fervously by every crowd around the world every time he walks to the crease.

Now they just seem like a bunch of prep-school jockheads with a tight fitness schedule and a mean streak. Graeme Smith has by far the ugliest batting technique in the world, scamming runs out of most bowlers' inability to bowl to left-handers with wide stances and angled bats. AB De Villiers can open the batting, field, and even keep wicket, but I bet you could hear the ocean if you put your ear to his skull. As for Andre Nel and his whole Easily Excitable Douchebag persona -- it might seem more menacing if he could back it up with actual wickets. As it is, he's little more than a mild irritant

There are still traces of better days in the team -- Gibbs' easy belligerence at the crease; Ntini's energy and unorthodox, angled jabs short of a length; Pollock's loose-limbed strokeplay at the end of an innings -- but these are few and far between. Not even the joy I get from watching a tortured team trying to shake off deep-seated psychological issues from their past (and failing at every attempt) can cover the fact that I really don't care for South Africa anymore. I hope they lose to England today, for no other reason than to keep the West Indies alive in the tournament.

I'm blaming all this on Graeme Smith. Ever since he slipped his fat foot through the selector's door and somehow convinced the world that a pair of wide shoulders and an aggressive outlook are what makes a good captain and leader, the Proteas have sunk into a pit of graceless efficacy, outlasting weaker teams with over after over of one-toned right-arm pace bowling, combined with bursts of muscular boundary hitting by the experienced middle order. There is an almost monarchical air to his captaincy -- he stands atop everyone around as if appealing to divine right, with no one ever questioning his leadership credentials or holding him accountable for his team's failings. Why is he beyond scrutiny?

For some reason, everyone just seems to accept Smith as the natural leader of that squad,with little evidence to back that claim. It's not as if his tenure has been wildly successful, by any measure: South Africa have won 59% of their ODI matches under Smith; under Pollock, that number was 66%; under Cronje, it was 74%. In Tests, Smith's win-loss ratio is 1.36, Pollock's was 2.80, while Cronje's was 2.45.

Quickly, who's South Africa's vice-captain right now? Is it Prince? Boucher? Who knows? (I didn't know either. It's Kallis, as it turns out.) Smith has somehow found a way to overshadow anyone in his path and present himself as the sole face and identity of the entire South African cricket establishment. Gary Kirsten was moved down from his usual opening position when Smith came in and then retired a year or two later. Lance Klusener was just jettisoned completely after the last World Cup, even though he still had a valuable few years to give to the team (and, more importantly, the fans).

Meanwhile, after this tournament’s valiant South African choke –- oh, it’s coming, don’t worry -- Smith will probably be offered a bonus, then appointed captain for life, leading selector, and co-coach.

I never thought I’d say this (in any context), but… GO ENGLAND!

A Game Worthy of Tyrone Biggums

I guess I was meant to post the second part of the Sri Lanka - NZ game earlier, but that match fizzled out like a seltzer tab quicker than I could type. As soon as the first over of the second innings descended into an Extras-vaganza, where Sri Lanka were 9 for 0 without having to swing the bat, I could tell we were in for the low-thrill tedium of an easy chase. There are few things more joy-sponging for a cricket fan than watching a team trying to defend a lame score on a placid pitch. Especially if the opposition is happy to do it in singles. And we've had two of those beauties in as many days! Apart from McMillan's one-time-only Amish beard and a quick shot of Mick Jagger in the sparse crowd, there isn’t much I can still remember about that second innings

After games like those, cricket deserves to be out of mind for a while. You need to go out, eat, drink, breathe the salty breeze, see other humans, get into cabs and mistakenly take detours to buy crack rocks from a friend of the driver's... then watch as nights of rum and roll-ons dissolve into doe-eyed seaside sunrises. Sport is best enjoyed when life can feed into it. The feeling of an early afternoon hangover is not much different from the feeling an English fan might get after watching a typical performance by his team, really.

It shouldn't be too surprising. Any tournament this long is bound to reach a lull at some point leading to the finals. The good teams are through, the not-so-good teams are toughing it out to validate their entire campaign, and all that's left to do is fill in the blanks and try to avoid complete burn-out.

So Bangladesh v. Ireland tomorrow, is it? Do we still have that rock somewhere?

Flowing Stream (SL-NZ, pt. 1)

You wouldn't know it from their profiles or from the hype, but cricket's most fascinating rivalry is getting its World Cup installment today.

New Zealand and Sri Lanka have a lot in common: they are both small islands with limited talent pools, professional teams with a hard work ethic and no real douchebags to mention. Naturally, they are often outshined by their bigger, flashier neighbours, but both of them have the strange ability to always remain competitive and keep any contest interesting.

The two teams have seen a lot of each other in the past few years, most recently during Sri Lanka's tour of New Zealand late last year. The results from that tour: Drawn Test series (1-1), drawn Twenty20 series (1-1), drawn ODI series (2-2). Apart from the fact that even-game series should be banned, that just shows have evenly matched and aware of each other's abilities both teams are, and how unpredictable their matches can be.

With that in mind, what better opportunity to shake off the morning-after fog of another night of cheap rum than a nice stream-of-consciousness summary in 10-over segments:

10th Over
... The moment I turned the TV on, the Hawkeye replay of Fleming's lbw wicket was being shown. I then went to get some orange juice from the kitchen and Ross Taylor got out before they even had time to show his ODI record on the screen. New Zealand could get spanked out of the ground today -- this is the first time they've had to play quality opposition in the tournament. Are the Kiwis really in form and dangerous, or did they blow their load too early against the dregs of world cricket? We'll find out very soon ...

... Scott Styris, the man with the second highest strike rate in World Cup history and a face only a mother can love, finally gets off the mark after playing out about 7 maidens of perfect Vaas balls ...

... Farveez Maharoof, the walking barometer of Sri Lankan fortunes, comes on to bowl in the 6^th over. If the Lankans are bowling well, applying pressure, and taking wickets, Maharoof looks a tight, economical seamer who is awfully hard to get away. If the team is getting carved, he looks slow, predictable and deliciously hittable.

20th Over
... Judging from his posture, I'd say Chaminda Vaas went to the same pediatrician as Forrest Gump. You could rest a champagne pyramid on that back ...

... Wicket off a no-ball for Maharoof. That surely won't affect him mentally, right? ...

... Wrong. He then gets hit for two consecutive fours by Styris. Sangakkara doesn't mess around after that. He just dons the helmet, stands up to the stumps and cramps the batters into slowing down. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried it with Malinga bowling one of these days. …

... Further proof that not even Kryptonite can stop Sangakkara at the moment: he was standing up to the stumps (what else?) to Vaas, and he caught a sweep off the face of Styris' bat with his balls. That's right, with his testicles. Asad Rauf, with the vacant visage of a man with nothing but tumbleweeds and lbw decisions in his mind, gave it not out. ...

30th Over
... Craig McMillan coming in at no. 5 to stave off a top-order collapse? Is it 1999 again, or something? What's next, get Chris Harris to open the bowling with Shane Bond? ...

... The Mid-Life Crisis Pair are at the crease right now. I don't know if they consulted each other on the matter, but Oram and Styris have the same ridiculous set of blonde highlights in their hair, which go great with their budding laugh lines and crow's feet on their faces. ...

... Where would NZ be without Scott Styris? He has only gotten out once during the whole World Cup, and today he's the lone reason why the Kiwis weren't skittled out for 70. I don't where they found the guy, I don't know what he was doing for those 11 years of professional cricket before he joined the national team, but he's now a genuine match-winning batsman and the most complete player in that team since Chris Cairns. ...

40th Over
... The trademark SLankan strangulation by spin has begun, and is already reaping benefits. McCullum complains about his dismissal, claiming he never hit a ball that went straight to bat-pad. Too bad the umpire actually gave it out lbw, Mr. McC. ...

... How the hell did New Zealand manage to get itself two 9-foot-tall freaks in their lineup? You could probably fit three whole Sri Lankans into Fulton's left sock and another three into Oram’s protective box.

... Is it that hard to get someone who actually knows how to bowl for local TV ads? As is to be imagined, the cricket theme is being used for a lot of ads here in Tobago around this time. The problem is that they've chosen actors who have obviously never played cricket, so you get egregious throws off five-pace run-ups, clonked off the front foot with awkward tennis shots. Hell, couldn’t they just have asked Sherwin Campbell or Ricardo Powell to play a few strokes in front of the cameras for them? I’m sure they need the work. ...

50th Over
... Dilshan bowls a maiden to James Franklin in the 46th over. Fuck 1999; are we back to 1979? ...

... A commentator's wet dream of a century by Styris: he came in under pressure, started slowly and looked shaky, could have been out a couple of times; but he dug in, worked the ball around, was there for the close, and ended the innings with a flourish after scoring more than half his team's runs. As far as degree of difficulty, I'd say that was easily the best hundred of the tournament so far. ...

New Zealand did well to post a score, let alone a competitive one. It still doesn't seem like it will be enough, though, unless Bond can get Jayasuriya (and a few others) out early. Even so, games between these two teams usually manage to become thrilling no matter what, so who knows what can happen?

It's uncanny, it is...

Staying in the apartment next to us in Tobago, we have a young family from England -- husband, wife, and their two pre-pubescent boys. They seem pleasant, friendly, and utterly unremarkable, except for the fact that every one of them, even the kids, sound exactly like David Lloyd.

Would it be considered rude to just ask them to say, "tha's a crrackin' shot, tha' is" for me?

Scraping a Bottomless Barrel

Far be it for me to get in the way of a healthy pissing-on-the-Australian-team session by Will Luke, but surely there are more valid complaints about the Aussies' on-field behaviour than the way they add the word "mate" to their calling between the wickets. How about the gratuitous chest-puffing, the premeditated cockiness, or the way that cockiness quickly turns into cruel hostility at the mere sight of resistance from the opposition?

Or, I don't know, how about the simple fact that they have visciously and joylessly obliterated everyone in their path won for about a generation, and it's gotten a little boring?

Being Selfish by Giving

Sometimes believing your own reputation can cause your downfall. Even when you do your hardest to avoid it. Jacques Kallis has been called "selfish" too many times to mention. The accusations are quick to ring any time South Africa loses and Kallis gets a strike rate lower than 100. It has already happened once during this World Cup: after the game against Australia. Kallis forced his way to 48 off 63 balls, in a game where the asking rate started at 7.6 an over. Was he being selfish in that game? Who knows? The only thing that matters is that some people wondered whether he was selfish, which in turn caused him to adapt his game in subsequent matches to deal with that very question.

During yesterday's game against Bangladesh, Kallis tried to forced the pace; he drove and cut against anything bowled slightly wide, keeping a strike rate over a 100 at all costs. The weird thing is that the more aggressive he became during the game, the more selfish he looked.

It's a funny thing, the "selfish" moniker. Kobe Bryant has often had to deal with it in the NBA. He can post monster games, 50 or 60 points at a time, and he gets accused of not sharing the ball enough. If he tries to curb his instincts and pass the ball more often, he is condemned for not using his gifts and relying on his inexperienced teammates to carry the load.

Kallis' burden is different. He is undoubtedly the most gifted and technically apt batsman in the South African lineup, but his talent can often cause him problems. After the "selfish" accusations following the game against Australia, it's clear that Kallis wanted to make a point. He hit a calculated 66 against Ireland, and then came out a-blazin' against the Bangladeshis. He was driving on the up, edging full-blooded swings through the vacant slip region, and pinching risky singles. And then he got out, mistiming a pull off Syed Rasel's slower-than-slow ball.

When you think about it, wasn't that the most selfish tactic he could have employed for that situation? He was so hell-bent on proving that he wasn't a ball-waster that he played unnecessary high-risk shots because they would guarantee him boundaries (and a high strike rate) if he connected. If he had actually analysed the situation rationally, he would have seen that the smart choice would've been to see off Mortaza's fire, keep his wicket intact, and then work the spinners around during the middle overs.

But Kallis couldn't settle for that. He had to accelerate unnaturally, trying to prove a personal point instead of doing what was best for the team. He didn't lose it for South Africa, but he refused to truly win it for them.

And that is why we will never stop wondering whether Jacques K. is a selfish prick or not.

Big Shot Scott

One of the more unheralded stories of this World Cup has been Scott Styris' sudden elevation into the upper echelon of international match-winners in one-day cricket. Look at some of his all-time World Cup stats -- they defy all odds and expectations: second highest batting ave., second highest strike rate (!!). Yeah, I'm picking my jaw off the floor too.

He reminds me a little of Robert Horry, the journeyman NBA power forward with the uncanny ability for signing to championship teams, sleepwalking through most of the regular season, then nailing vital shots in big Playoff games when the team need them the most. 

A Survivor's Tale

An interesting article by Ian S Mohan, a World Cup volunteer, about his experiences working at Queen's Park Oval in Trinidad during the group stage. He details many of the bullshit regulations and restrictions the ICC imposed for the tournament that only served to rob the venues of their local flavour.

We went to two of those games in Port of Spain, and as overblown and Draconian as the rules seemed to us -- a pair of wallets on holiday whose primary concerns were avoiding sunstroke and finding a quiet spot for a quick joint between innings -- I can only imagine how it all must have felt to the locals who dedicated their time at the venues, out of nothing but national pride and a love of cricket. You could see the frustration in their eyes -- they wanted to help, they felt bad about not being able to help, but all they could muster was the helpless look of those whose better judgements are overriden by their need to keep the job.

Regarding the ICC, Mohan writes:

They don't care about the people who keep cricket alive: us. Thousands of real cricket fans stayed away - they said they had self respect and pride and would not pay money to be treated this way. I now understand their view and feel that I compromised my self respect to be part of the tournament. We were told how to talk, how to smile, how to welcome the tourists, how to speak. We had a handbook to learn from.

 

Flowing Stream of Droppings (pt. 2)

ENG v. SRI LANKA (33rd match)

Here comes the chase:

10th Over
… For anyone who needed proof that Sangakkara is the best keeper in the world at the moment, take a look at Michael Vaughan's dismissal: a catch on the legside while standing up to the stumps to Vaas. …

… So is Michael Vaughan in the team as a specialist captain who can bowl a little? Before today’s duck, his average for the year in ODIs was 17. Oh and should we mention that he's yet to score a one-day century in his career? ...

… Ian Bell is in now, looking like an undergrown version of Vincent from the old "Beauty and the Beast" TV series. ...

… England's chance of victory walks to the crease now at 15 for 2. I'm not sure even they realise how much they rely on Pietersen, now that Flintoff has reverted to his pre-Ashes batting inconsistency. ...

20th Over
… Is it healthy to eat bacon sandwiches twice a day, every day? (Damn, it’s hard to do stream-of-consc when you also have to cook lunch at the same time.) ...

… As far as I can tell from my vantage point by the stove, England are cruising on a wave of KP, as they often do. Pietersen is driving everything on the up, and connecting, while Bell continues to make his living off the legside. …

30th Over
… And Ranjith Fernando finally makes it to the commentary box, halfway through the second innings! Did he think this was a day-night game? At least he's in time for Murali's spell. …

... Jayasuriya just helped Murali's cause immensely with a freaky flick run-out. Now they can take the third Powerplay and have Murali facing a new batsman. ...

… And that's the game: Pietersen c & b Muralitharan 58. Well, not quite the game, but the gamblers definitely concur: as soon as KP got out, the odds from Bet365 turned for Sri Lanka. I guess Flintoff's stock is on the drop. …

… KP is fuming as he walks back to the pav – he looks like he’s about to greet the first person who says a word to him with a punch to the Adam’s apple. ...

… Too many wickets for thought. Flintoff batted like a schoolboy and skyed a half-volley; Collingwood got out to the plumbest lbw I’ve ever seen in my life. Surely this is it for England. ...

40th Over
… "Skyed" can't be a real word, can it? ...

… Now that I've watched Paul Nixon bat for a while, I've realised that he wasn't wearing a mouth-guard as an addition to a helmet, he was wearing it as a replacement for it. I had it all backwards: it’s not that he’s been hit so often that he needs extra protection; he’s been hit so often that he’s quite used to it by now. But hey, if you asked me to name the “international player most likely to have been repeatedly hit on the head by hard flying objects” just based on his mugshot, I’d pick Nixon without hesitation. …

-- [45th Over] --
It's tense as all hell now. I'm not sure why, since neither one of the two batters, Nixon and Bopara, has shown the ability to be a 10+/over boundary-hitter. Nixon is very quick on the reverse-sweep, however, so I'm sure there will be action in all directions.

50th Over
… And they did it!! A thrilla in Antigua. When was the last time we had a match decided on the last ball?!  …

… So is hitting a reverse sweep for six really that great an achievement? Nixon’s looked disconcertingly easy. …

… Why oh why was Fernando given the ball for the last over instead of Vaas? I know he pulled it off in the end, and Vaas had had a forgettable game up to that point, but surely seniority rules apply here. Unless Vaas was offered to bowl and refused, I don’t see why he would be snubbed at the death. …

… D. Fernando, sounding pre-pubescent in his post-match interview with Michael Atherton, expressed his excitement about the win, while at the same time praising the efforts of "Bopara and the other guy [sic]" from England. ...

… The rest of the commentators are running bets to see how many times they can fit the phrase, "this is just what the World Cup needed", into the remaining 10 minutes of coverage. ...

… Kevin Pietersen is still fuming -- it looks like the only thing that can take his mind off the loss is a meaningless one-night stand with a club skank later in the night. …

So Sri Lanka are almost through, while England have to beat Australia in a few days just to have a chance. As Richie would say, "super day of cricket, that".

Time for a bacon sandwich.

Flowing Stream of Droppings (pt. 1)

We were planning to go surfing today, but the prospect of typing some morning-spliff stream-of-consciousness while watching Sri Lanka virtually sealing a semi-final berth was too good to pass up. So here they are, scattered brain droppings in 10-over segments from the England v. Sri Lanka game.

10th Over
… A solid start from Sri Lanka. They're batting on an odd-looking pitch, slightly resembling one of those miniature zen gardens that were all the craze in yuppie circles in the early 1990s. ...

… Jayasuriya got out early, so the Lankans target was duly adjusted from "Any score is possible" to "As close to 280 as we can get." ...

… Mike Atherton just described a bunch of Saj Mahmood's qualities, including his height, his brain, and his athletic ability. The downside? "He's never been particularly accurate." Um, okay. …

20th Over
… Three English commentators and two Indians. Did Ranjith Fernando take the day off to go snorkeling, or something? ...

… Q: Is Monty Panesar actually a bad fielder, or has he just been told he's a bad fielder so often that he gets nervous every time the ball heads in his direction? ...

… I guess Mahmood's "other" qualities are coming to the fore, since he just got the wicket of Sangakkara with a wide full-toss. …

30th Over
… Ian Botham sounds like he's suffering from a case of early-morning indigestion. He's just letting Sanjay Manjrekar state the bleeding obvious and then jumping in every so often to express cranky bewilderment at something England are doing. ...

… Has Paul Nixon been hit in the face so often that he needs a boxing mouth-guard every time he stands up to the stumps? ...

… Upul Tharanga is getting some flak for playing a slow innings lacking impetus. I'll be generous and just call it "Vaughnesque." …

40th Over
… Sri Lanka look completely unperturbed in their batting. They're just taking their innings at a canter; working the singles and two's; nursing Tharanga into form. It doesn't appear as if they rate England's chasing abilities very highly -- a 5-0 mauling can do that to you, I guess. ...

… Do Sri Lankan team shirts only come in two sizes? All you ever see are the tight, chest-hugging Jayasuriya numbers, or the loose, skydiver-in-a-wind-tunnel XL tents that Russel Arnold favors. …

50th Over
… I didn't catch the entire statement, but I heard Mike Atherton say something containing the phrase "England's excellence today". Excellence? Is English cricket in such a fucked-sorry state that allowing the opposition to a par score after putting them in to bat is now considered an "excellent" bowling effort? Good, yes. Commendable, fine. But "excellent"? ...

… Botham and Atherton are in full polish-England's-knob mode now. You'd think England just skittled them out for 120 or something. Am I the only who seems to remember that Sri Lanka have what is probably the best bowling lineup in this tournament (the most explosive pace bowler, the best spinner, the best supporting-spinner, and the most accurate swing bowler)? ...

So 235 it is -- Bet365 has the odds for the chase at 1.66 for England and 2.22 for Sri Lanka. I'm sure Beefy and Athers will agree. Is Ranjith still unavailable for comment?

Has light aided fertilisation?

So did the ICC change its policy towards YouTube, or are they so incompetent and
marred by mediocrity that they couldn't even police a few highlights clips adequately? There are a bunch of videos now up on YouTube for great moments like Malinga's 4-in-4 and Gibbs' 6x6. Maybe the honchos saw the light. Late and without announcement, to be sure, but at least there's light.

There's also a clip available of one of the most memorable pieces of wicketkeeping in recent memory: Kumar Sangakkara's stumping of Brian Lara.

Here's what cricinfo say:

10.1	Vaas to Lara, OUT, Lara falls! That's some quick work by Sangakkara, Lara dragging his back foot forward and his foot is in the air. The third umpire needed more than a second eye for that one, but he was clearly out, and Lara's on his way. Tidy work indeed from the keeper, standing up to Vaas. Boos ring out around the ground at that decision, but you can't argue with it BC Lara st Sangakkara b Vaas 2 (9m 4b 0x4 0x6) SR: 50.00

Think about it for a second -- this is Sangakkara standing up to a pace bowler who swings the ball. Lara's foot was in the air for only a fraction of a second as he leaned into the shot. In that fraction of a second, Sangakkara somehow managed to catch the ball cleanly and whip the bails off, as the momentum of the 78 mph delivery pushed his body backwards. (Should I even mention that this was the opposition's captain and best batter at the crease?)

Putting Abstinence to Shame

On the day we arrived in Tobago, driving back from the ferry station, our chatty host Judy mentioned that 80% of young people on the island suffer from AIDS. A quick google search proved that unlikely number to be false, but there does seem to be a high sense  of public awareness over the disease throughout the country. A lot of public service announcements are shown on TV, often during the cricket, advising people on condom use and safe sex.

I don't know why they waste their money, since the live cricket coverage already incorporates the best possible form of contraception: watching Scott Styris' face as you listen to Damien Fleming's voice.

Never Trust A Man With Two First Names

Is it just me, or does Mark Nicholas sound like some sort of ageing Careers' Advisor at a private school who thinks he can stay hip by wearing an earring and keeping a Fender Strat on the corner of his office? The kind who probably even played a sweaty rendition of "Twist and Shout" at the End of Year school concert to an indifferent crowd of students.

All backhand, no compliment

A pretty interesting article about the World Cup on ESPN.com's Page 2. "Interesting" mostly due to its tone. You can see that the writer, Michael Davies, has a decent grasp of the game and knows enough to actually enjoy watching it. Yet he feels like he has to adopt a dismissive, condescending air in his piece to appease the American audience, with lots of cheap jabs and "wink, wink... aren't these guys a riot?!" asides.

Between all the hyperbole, however he does make a few valid points. First, the tournament is bloated, and overlong. I don't think anyone disputes that. Second, a more salient point:

Not even the people of the Caribbean really seem to care unless their team's playing.

True, and slightly surprising. It's understandable that the locals in these small islands may find the ticket prices out of their reach, but why aren't there more foreigners around to fill the stadiums? Are clear waters and white sanded beaches not a drawing card anymore? Or are there so few real cricket fans in the world?

Do I need a Blackberry?

When did Damien Fleming become Richie Benaud? Was I asleep, or stoned by the beach during the announcement? I've been hearing Fleming's nasal country twang a disproportionate amount of time during World Cup coverage. Just in the last couple of days, he's opened the commentary, done pre-game pitch reports, after-play interviews... how much do we really need to know about medium-pace swing bowling?

We Was Robbed

Another YouTube moment robbed from the fans. This is now the best form we have to enjoy a classic passage of World Cup play. Thanks, ICC.

44.5	Malinga to Pollock, OUT, BINGO! Finally Malinga strikes, that is a superb bit of bowling. It's a slower ball on the stumps, Pollock just does not pick it, plays inside the line of the ball and loses his leg stump. Even with the game all but gone Sri Lanka are fighting. Pollock played a good hand but now he's gone!
	SM Pollock b Malinga 13 (23m 24b 1x4 0x6) SR: 54.16
44.6	Malinga to Hall, OUT, ANOTHER! Andrew Hall goes off the very first ball! It's another speared-in yorker, Hall just about manages to dig it out, but he can't keep the ball down ... it bobs up into the air for the man at cover to pouch easily! Is there a twise left in this game
	AJ Hall c Tharanga b Malinga 0 (2m 1b 0x4 0x6) SR: 0.00

Malinga on a hat-trick. What a funny little game this has been.
46.1	Malinga to Kallis, OUT, Would you believe it? Malinga has got the hat-trick! Full, furious, outside off stump, Kallis goes for a square-drive and nicks it behind. Loud appeal. Kallis stays rooted. Even louder appeal and Harper raises the fatal finger. SA eight down and choking real badly.
	JH Kallis c Sangakkara b Malinga 86 (187m 110b 4x4 0x6) SR: 78.18
46.2	Malinga to Ntini, OUT, And then they were one! Malinga gets four in four. Unbelievable! Screaming yorker and Ntini drives, plays all over it and ball crashes into the middle stump. Malinga is slinging down magic deliveries and SA are nine down.
	M Ntini b Malinga 0 (2m 1b 0x4 0x6) SR: 0.00

Random Notes on a Truly Consequential Match

It wasn't even full. The stadium, it wasn't full. That's the image that struck me the most from the India v. Sri Lanka game yesterday. It wasn't India's umpteenth under-whelming performance in a major tournament, or the clinical flamboyance of a Sri Lankan team that is looking more dangerous and more confident by the day. It was the empty stands. Queen's Park Oval is not a huge venue -- it holds about 25,000 on a good day. We are being told all the time that India is home to the largest market and the most rabid cricket following in the world, and yet you're telling me they couldn't manage to pack a few thousand bodies into a picturesque Caribbean ground for the most important one-day game their team has had since the 2003 World Cup Final?

So now both the big Asian teams are gone, an outcome some might call disappointing if it wasn't at the same time so predictable. Does it really matter though? Probably not -- the Pakistanis have way bigger issues to worry about now and can't seem to want to hop on a plane out of the continent quickly enough. The Indians haven't looked like they could threaten New Zealand, let alone Australia, in years, so an early exit at least helps to keep their national agony prompt and gives them a few extra weeks for the inevitable processes of soul-searching and re-building.

Anyway, here are some scattered live observations made during yesterday's massacre:

-- Here's a great (non-bowling) reason why Muttiah Muralitharan is such an entertaining, indispensable character in world cricket: after he took a blinder of diving catch to get rid of Ganguly, he threw the ball in the air to celebrate, like all cricketers are wont to do; but then he got scared that the umpires might believe he threw it up too early and without being in full control, so he ran in the opposite direction to re-catch the ball, went for another full-length dive and ended up dropping the ball comically. The ball was definitely out and all his teammates were already running in to congratulate him, but Murali ended up looking like a little kitten who kicks a ball of yarn but then gets surprised by its movement and starts chasing it frantically. Priceless.

-- Arbitrary ICC Regulation Put In Place For The World Cup That Only Serves To Kill The Fan Experience of the Day:

No paying spectator can leave the stadium's grounds during a World Cup match. If you want to leave at any point, they expect you to buy another ticket to come back in. If you ask me, that is just blatant discrimination against those fans who are unwilling to stand in line during the lunch break to get overpriced buckets of KFC or lukewarm roti at the concession stand, and who'd rather pop out to the park for a quick joint to liven up the afternoon run chase.

-- It's nice to see Russel Arnold keeping alive the long-standing Sri Lankan tradition of "fielding at least one player who looks like he has recently been through a famine." Arnold has taken the role over from Upul Chandana, who had held title for years with a face that seemed almost custom-built for a World Vision ad. I think his bio picture was even Photoshoped to remove the buzzing flies.

-- Sachin Tendulkar has really mastered the art of the memorable entrance. He comes out of the pavilion and onto the field at the just the right moment, strolling at a perfect pace; slow but determined. He crosses the outgoing batsman early, close to the boundary, so he can bask in the lone limelight for as long as possible. He seems to time it so that his name is announced over the P.A. about halfway through his walk, a steady roar building around the stadium as spectators turn their heads to see a diminutive legend in the flesh. It doesn't matter how badly his form may be, or how old he might get, he makes every trip to feel like a special occasion for the fan; a true experience; an event.

And then… he gets bowled for a duck by Sri Lanka's fourth best bowler.

Random Notes on an Inconsequential Match

We attended our first live game yesterday, Sri Lanka v. Bangladesh, at the Queen's Park Oval in Port of Spain. The stadium (if it can be called that, even with the additional stands built just for the World Cup) was barely half-full, with small pockets of vociferous partisan supporters livening the scene, but mostly just a selection of sedate locals enjoying a calm afternoon of cricket. The result was unsurprising, but served well as an appetiser for the big feast on Friday, the India v. Sri Lanka clash.

Some scattered observations about the match and locale:

-- I had wondered ever since we ordered the game tickets last year what the offer of a "Party Stand" entailed exactly. I knew it might be too much to ask for an actual party atmosphere, given the regulations and security guidelines imposed by the ICC to prevent the spread of too much fun around the grounds, as well as the fact that this was a first-round game held in the middle of the week between two small teams with modest followings. What we got instead from the Party Stand were eight drink vouchers and one meal voucher each, which actually seems like a fairly decent trade-off. Pump enough alcohol and tepid fast food into any fan's system, and any stand becomes a Party Stand, really.

-- Trinis like their music, and they like it loud. Between every over and during every extended break, the house speakers blared short deafening snippets from high-tempo tunes. I'd be all for it, if it wasn't for the utterly humdrum selection of tracks. As far as I can remember, all they had to offer were a few local remixes of overplayed hip-hop-lite hits, an Afro-Cab version of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" sung in Spanish, and a terrible corporate anthem about cricket, full of lines about "the spirit of the game" and "spreading peace and love."

-- In the playing field, the big difference between the so-called 'minnows' and the Big Boyz appears to be how they deal with adversity. Any score to chase beyond 250 makes teams like Bangladesh wilt easily, never even looking like they have a chance. Lower-tier ODI teams like England and West Indies, who just as often face scores slightly beyond their reach, rarely have that deflated look about them right from the start of their innings. Maybe they've just been faced with those situations so many times that they've grown to learn how to hide the obvious and delay the inevitable for longer. Practice makes perfect, after all.

-- Kumar Sangakkara is well on his way to reaching legendary status in his island. He already exudes an air of confidence and know-how on the field that few modern players can claim. Another four or five years at that level and he might reach a similar status on the global stage -- if he doesn't, at least he'll be certain to settle into a nice role as a respected elder statesman and trusted analyst in his retirement.

It's On Like Donkey Kong

The 2007 Cricket World Cup started today in Kingston, Jamaica, where the West Indies beat Pakistan by 54 runs in a nervy opening match. During the next six weeks, there will be 51 games played in 8 different venues across the Caribbean. I suppose this is as good a time as any to officially launch this little cricket blog of ours, Outside The Line.

Four years ago, while working minimum-wage seasonal jobs in a ski town in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, J-Paul and I made a pact that we’d meet in the West Indies for the World Cup, no matter what. At the time, we just wanted an excuse to party in an exotic, tropical locale, with a little of the game we both loved serving as a backdrop. The idea of blogging about the experience only came quite recently, after once-tentative plans started becoming concrete and the fervour and excitement of the anticipation began consuming us.

If anyone is in search of in-depth game coverage, insider scoops full of locker-room chat, or an unbiased, objective analysis of all the action of the World Cup… we suggest you look elsewhere. That is not what we’re about. (May we recommend cricinfo, perhaps?)

As the title suggests, here at Outside The Line we will focus on the peripherals –- whether that involves making the case that Australia are one of the most loathsome (and ideal to cheer against) all-time-great sports teams, compiling an All-Dumb World Eleven, or lauding the benefits of judicious drug use in the appreciation of the game, we will try to wrestle with the questions and topics that are generally ignored, overlooked, and avoided by those in the cricket establishment with an editor to answer to and a reputation to protect.

And as Bill Hicks would say… don’t worry, there will also be dick jokes along the way.