Schooled By The IPL (Backyard Id And Men With Binoculars Edition) -- May 13

                                              

Star among stars... Shoaib Akthar (Kolkata K'Riders)
One of the keys to being a cricket fan is knowing when to watch. That's something casual fans and non-fans will never understand about us. None of us actually watch 6 straight hours of action, every day. We may only watch an hour or two -- no more than anyone would spend on any other sport -- but we know which hour to watch. We learn from experience to single out certain passages, certain spells, certain batsmen... our ears are pricked and our interest is piqued when we hear about, say, Sachin Tendulkar vs. Shane Warne, or Kevin Pietersen vs. Warne, or Muttiah Muralitharan on a 5th day home pitch, or Glenn McGrath working with the slope at Lord's (or hell, even Brian Lara playing and missing, against any opposition).

And whatever we're doing, regardless of our inclinations, if we know our shit, we know to follow one simple rule --  when Shoaib Akthar is bowling, you watch.

Shoaib is, my most accounts, a bit of a prick. He's selfish, he's immature, he preens, he's a bad teammate, he's a cheater, he has a poor work ethic... and that's kind of what makes him so great to watch.

See, Shoaib is everyone's backyard Id... all sweaty, unfit, and frustrated. You know the feeling -- nothing is going for you, you're tired, and all you feel like doing is bowling a dirty beamer straight between your smug opponent's eyes. (Nevermind the fact that this is usually your best friend.) You've tried being disciplined, and doing things right, as the coaches tell you. But it's not working. All that drives you at the moment is bile, you can barely see straight from anger... yet you know that if you harness all your energy, channel it into every muscle and tendon, all you need is one ball. That's the beauty of cricket. One ball.

Anything can happen in one ball. No matter what has gone on before, or how grim the future looks, there there will always be that pale fire burning in the back of your mind. That hope. The one that never leaves. The same one that drives our survival. The thing with feathers.

Shoaib Akthar represents that. He's the gleam from that distant, fading primeval fire. He is our struggle. He is us. He's unpolished, and a bit of a prick, and he's getting all bloated and losing his hair. It doesn't get any more real than that. (Or any better.)

Thank you again, PCB 3-man appeal board.

3 Bullets to the head...

• This might seem like hyperbole, but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that that I've never seen a team field as well as Kolkata did during yesterday's chase. As in, EVER. By my count, they hit the stumps directly 6 times, two of those leading to run-outs, they took a couple of great outfield catches, and they made the Delhi batters break apart mentally with their stifling infield pressure. Pretty nifty work for 17.5 overs in the field.
  
  
• Instead of that stupid Fair Play award that no one cares about (off the top of your head, who's ahead on the table right now? No? I didn't think so.) why don't they just set up something we can all get into? How about the Fly Kingfisher "Awkward Moment During An On-Field Interview" Award? We'd have a great candidate from yesterday's interview with Umar Gul, after Ramiz Raja asks him what he thinks of Shoaib's performance, and then tells him that as long as Shoaib is bowling like that, Gul will probably not even get a game for Kolkata. Gul's face was priceless -- he looked like he just found out his mum was a stripper, or something.

• Nothing to do with cricket, but still guaranteed to be the best thing you will see today:
  
  

Comments

[Q]

Rameez is an ass. What a thing to say to a poor bencher. U feel for Umar Gul. If it wasnt for this 4-man rule he would be in the team. I'd still like to see him play instead of the spinner KKR use. Shoaib, Ishant, Gul, Dinda - thats one explosive pace attack.

Oh and to keep to the 4-man rule, drop Butt and open with Das.

[D.S. Henry]

Q, I'm with you. I honestly don't understand how the best bowler in the World Cup can't get a game. (I'm guessing it has something to do with his low price tag... since they paid way less for him, it won't seem like such a mistake to keep him in the bench. Can you imagine a team benching an expensive player, like Ponting? No chance. It would make the management look like fools.)